My Next 40 Years

Dear Paige,

Mommy is staring down the final hours of her thirties.  So, let’s take a moment to reflect.  Remember how we used to play “best/worst part of your day” at the dinner table?  You are definitely both the best and worst part of my first forty years.  Best part=having you; worst part=having to let you go back.  And, all of my lessons pretty much came from you too.  Thank you for enriching my life and teaching me the following things:

1) Make some friends.  You never know when you are going to need people to clean and unpack your house on a moment’s notice.  And, text you every day to make sure that you got out of bed.  Sure, sometimes friends can be a total pain in the ass, but if you establish a very rigid application and vetting process, you will come out ahead.

2) Try harder.  When you couldn’t do something or make something work for yourself, those were my favorite words to you.   So, when I think something really isn’t going well, it’s still good advice.  You gotta play the cards you are dealt.  Times have been tough (see:  visit to psychic and any hidden surveillance tapes), but I can be tougher.

3)  Don’t be a whiner.  Don’t be a victim.  You own a part of everything that happens to you, and even if misfortune befalls you, you don’t have to make it any worse by laying down and giving up.  When you were in ICU and it wasn’t looking good, I actually knew that your spirit was gone.  I was getting coffee with Aunt Lynne when I said, “I’m just not going to be able to go on, and I’m going to be a terrible mother to my other kids”.  It has sucked but I’m only going to earn the title “terrible mother” naturally—by making them clean their room and get good grades (PS-please help me with Haley).

4)  Make a memory.   I know that we went to Disney with you but I can barely remember that trip.  Once we were taunting Grace with the song “Telephone” but using the words “Stop talking, stop talking, I don’t want to hear mom anymore”.    You laughed and laughed, I remember it like it was yesterday.   Be present in your life because you never know what memories are going to be the keepers.

5)  Be happy with who you are.  Your life wasn’t easy, but I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t have changed places with anyone else on earth.  I’m sort of in the same boat because I would never switch out and lose the honor of being your mom (and I guess your sisters too).  I heard that someone was jealous of me recently (I know, put down the crack pipe).

Let’s also get it out of the way, I am totally expecting a birthday sign from you tomorrow.   I’m not good at picking up signs, so please make it obvious.  I still remember my 38^th birthday when you were first up and you made your way out of bed and down the stairs alone to find me with a “happy birthday, mommy!”.  The pleasure was all mine, Paige.

I hope to see you in my next 40 years

Love,

Mommy

Happy New Year that Hopefully Sucks Less

Hi Paige.

Wow, I made myself laugh a little with some of those old posts.  Just when I was thinking, “things suck”, I can really reflect on making some actual grief progress.  Apparently, I left everyone on pins and needles about the portal.  It did usually work but now that it’s winter, it is closed up.  And, instead of becoming a drug addict, I went back to work.  Yes, I too, was surprised to be hired by someone.  Anyway, how are we doing?  Let me break it down player by player.

Grace:  remarkable improvement but increased moodiness due to what I’m hoping is a hormonal imbalance.  Still doesn’t like to have friends over, but I am fairly certain that she does indeed have friends to not invite over.  Other highlights include:  refusal to drink generic bottled water, obsession with Harry Potter and an occasional sense of humor.  Today, she designed a registration form and class catalog to teach Haley certain skills.  After completely the art class, Grace wrote the following report on Haley’s behavior:  ”she did a good job and seemed to enjoy class.  She did not mention a dead sister.  She must be getting used to it”.  Thanks, Grace.

Haley:  has a non-hereditary zest for life that even I cannot squelch.  Girlfriend is happy.  She enjoys snuggling, girl time and having a PJ day.  Today was a PJ day, and she also enjoys changing PJ’s randomly during PJ day.  Things she likes less:  academics, subject and verb conjugation, Grace being bossy and Harry Potter (scares the shit out of her).  She drew a family picture today and included you (she is excellent at sucking up to me).

Daddy:  tough Christmas and has recently decided to take up hunting.  As in killing deer.  I wonder how you would feel about that, I think fascinated but ultimately against killing.  With his luck, he’ll never actually make a kill so it’s probably just a good way for him to spend some quiet time out in nature.

Mommy:  I’m with Dad on the tough Christmas.  Last year’s Vicodin Christmas was indeed just a way to defer the pain until this year.  I unfortunately couldn’t sleep my way through it.  Most people are down and out in January, so I will just blend in.  That’s always nice.  I actually did have a pretty crappy fall (went to a psychic, freaked out a few times, etc).  Something must have snapped because I am probably doing a little better now.

So, how the hell are you?  How is heaven going?  We were lucky enough to get a Christmas card that said you would want us to be happy.  Yes, that was well received.  I sometimes like to think that you are more “I don’t care if you are happy or not.  It’s all fleeting, all you really have are love and death.  I’m going to eat some ice cream”.  Once I’m in heaven (I have to assume that given the full range of human behavior, I’ve done more good than bad), I’m cutting ties to earth.  I hope you have done the same.  I did actually put a life lesson into action recently.  Remember when you and Maddy went out to the porch swing, and I just set you up instead of staying out there.  Haley and Maddy were coloring a cardboard fort over here the other day.  Instead of just getting out the crayons and wishing them luck, I pulled up a chair and made a memory.  Haley said, “hey mom, this is nice that you are coloring with us”.  Whatever, life lover.

We love and miss you,
Mommy

PS–congratulations on your first miracle–Uncle Bubs finally landed the girl

 

 

The Portal

Hi Paigie.

How is heaven doing?  I feel like summer is slipping away, and I still have no plan whatsoever on how to maintain my sanity once school starts.  I think the new kid/foster kid/adopt a kid idea is really going nowhere.  So, if you have any pull up there, you could have some teenage mom accidentally drop their baby off at my house instead on the fire station or something.  And, really, I don’t need a newborn, I like to sleep.  I’m not currently a fan of the pre-teen years though, maybe let’s aim for 5 or under.  I guess you could also put a job on the porch for me.  I’d like to work 2 or 3 days a week in a non-stressful, monkey-like environment.  But, I would like there to be a requirement of wearing cute clothes because I would like to buy some.  Also, they could be really rigid about getting manicures and pedicures.  And, I need summers off.  And, holidays and a two-week Christmas break.  I should probably also be off most of May for the Princess Run.  At this point, it sort of seems like sitting around here looking at old pictures and staring out the window might just be the way to go.  I already have the perfect clothes and nails for that anyway.

So, in other news, either someone is lacing my coffee with LSD (which would be fantastic) or I may have found a way to hypnotize myself into peaceful clarity.  It all started during another day of cruise directing when Haley proclaimed it “girl talk” time again.  I was down with it and said we should go sit on the porch for our twelfth round of girl talk for the day.  We sat on the porch swing and talked for about 90 seconds before Haley decided she needed to make a snack run.  I was left alone in the swing and was already super tired from being up half the night with Grace throwing up (she only really threw up once but amazingly at nine, not much effort to get it to the bathroom so the clean up was a struggle.  And, then I had a flashback and subsequent breakdown to you being sick. )  Back to the portal story . . . so I was on the porch swing by myself and I closed my eyes and lifted my feet into the swing in an effort to take a nap.  I wouldn’t say that I fell asleep but I got confusingly off-balance and then had a barrage of happy memories flood my mind.  When I did open my eyes, it took like a full 3o seconds to remember where I was and that my life was going a little better in the trance version.  Obviously, I thought I was just tired and hallucinating (or hopefully Miss Danielle puts a little something special into her cookies for me).  But, guess what, I did it again today (and actually Haley went too and again decided to go back for a snack after 90 seconds).  I got the magic version of happy images again.  I freaking love that swing now and the trips down the rabbit hole.   If it happens again tomorrow, I’m going to start sleeping out there.  I do realize that this puts my sanity certificate in serious jeopardy.  Hmmmm, sanity, fuck it.

I don’t even know why I’m in my office now instead of out at the portal (I do though, bugs would be biting me).  I’m only going once a day just in case there is some limit on how many times you can hypnotize yourself into a happier place.  I will hopefully see you there tomorrow, usually about 5pm eastern standard earth time works for me.   If the portal closes and I also get neither a new baby or a new job, would you just consider sending some actual hallucinogenic drugs over.  Just give it some thought, you don’t need to make a decision right now.

I love you,

Mommy

 

The Rules

Hi Paige.

As you know, things have sort of been sucking lately.  You would sort of think that I’d be getting used to this, but really not so much.  You know I love rules, remember?  All of my life, I have actually been a pretty serious rule follower.  Make good grades, smart choices, blah blah blah.  And, there are definite rules to making grief more manageable.  Like if you think about the hospital, replace it quickly with a happy memory.  Take a seriously deep breath before opening the Christmas decorations box.  Do not watch live action video recordings under any circumstance.  Don’t drink so much that you pass happy drunk and head into sad drunk (this one is easy for me because I just pass out right after I hit happy drunk).  Get out of bed everyday.  Let your other kids see you sad but not so sad that you scare them and can’t snap out of it.  When people ask you how you are, just say fine because a lot of people are taken aback if you say “shitty”.  I could really go on forever, it will probably be the subject of my future bestselling novel.

Today, I forgot a major rule:  be very careful when cleaning out closets and don’t hang out too long in your dead child’s bedroom (that’s actually two).  When your sisters couldn’t find a mutually agreeable activity today, I decided their punishment was that we were going to clean out their rooms.  Then, their whining started to irritate me so I decided that they could watch tv while I just cleaned out their rooms.  Every time they started fighting or came back to speak to me, their punishment was 10 minutes of cleaning with me.  I know, it’s a tough decision . . . grief book or parenting book.  So, I was cleaning out Haley’s clothing (which was mostly your stuff).  Instead of the “band-aid rule”, I decided to pick up every piece of your clothing and remember a time when I put it on you or you were wearing it.  I also found the old splint that Ms. Aurora made you for supination.  And even though I can supinate just fine, I laid my arm where yours had gone.  Then, I found that old cash register with the microphone and I remembered when you guys and the Bley girls got a huge pile of crap out and made a store on the deck.  And, then Ms. Kim or I would use the microphone to say “Clean up on aisle deck”.   (Editor note:  Daddy just walked but the study and said “good God, not number 8″ meaning that I already had seven breakdowns today).  I think I might move on rather than painfully relive my other 5 breakdown triggers.

I feel like there should really be a manual that guides me like on Beetlejuice when Alec Baldwin found the “Guide for the recently deceased”.  Like: year two, month one:  prepare for it to suck like it was just yesterday.  Gradually learn to eliminate happy from your vocabulary because it will make your voice drip with bitterness.  As you read this, you might be shocked to recall that I actually graduated from therapy.  It’s not like I just stopped going, I legitimately got a certificate of sanity.  It’s mind-boggling, isn’t it.

Well, I possibly worked some stuff out with this and can go back to whatever passes for normal.  I am definitely sticking to my rules for the recently bereaved parent manual.  Hilariously, today Haley yelled “that reminds me of Paige” every time I tried to throw away one of her old toys.  She also began using two distinctive speaking voices, one that mimics me.  So, when she said, “I really just don’t want to wash my hair tonight”, she then spun to the side and said in a higher tone “that’s okay, honey, you don’t have to” and then ran off to not wash her hair.

I’m thinking heaven is still going well for you.  Could you please pass on my complaints to the perfect version of me that is with you.  Maybe she could on some level convey to me the secrets of bouncing.  As for you, I think you may have found yourself.  That one is just between me and you, don’t tell your sisters

I love you,

Mommy

Soulmates

Hi Paige,

How is heaven?  It’s Father’s Day here, are you hanging out with any dad’s up there?  Or maybe you can just pull your own Daddy’s spirit up whenever you want to hang out.  I tend to sign on to that belief or else I would have to accept that you were totally away from us.  And, it’s hard to imagine you totally away because I think you’d miss us but technically I believe in heaven so you really can’t have those sad emotions in a perfect existence.  Today was pretty much an average shitty day for me, I don’t know if your dad feels like it was shittier than normal.  When your happiness scale is cut in half, there is really not that much fluctuation in mood.  So, on the bright side, the difference between a good and a bad day is only like a standard deviation of three.  I’ve been thinking a lot today about people who have to celebrate Father’s Day when their fathers are already in heaven.  My dad is still here, so I got the pleasure of hanging out with him today.  It was a real joy when his parting words were to the effect of “next time we do this, you’ll be forty”.  What the hell.  I think many people have their dad as a sort of soul mate though.  I think your Daddy for sure thought that you were his soul mate.  And, as much as I love to pretend that I have it going on as your mom, I think Daddy might have me on that one.  There’s even a page in your scrapbook called “Daddy’s girl” although someone was nice enough to say “Oh, I guess you were just always taking the pictures” to me.  Not really.  Really, you and Daddy did have a perfect connection.  I’m slightly (really) jealous too.  Not that I would have wanted to be Daddy’s soul mate, but definitely yours

In other news, Haley bit (yes, you read that correctly) Morgan.  I don’t even know what to say, but I could definitely use some divine intervention.  I’m also in a phase where I think adopting another kid sounds like a great idea.  Your soul mate does not agree.  So, if you can’t make Haley stop biting, could you at least work that out for me.  It’s probably just another crisis since your sisters will be in school all day in a couple of months, and I will have nothing to do.  I’m also considering a foundation which sounds great on paper but pulling it off with my personality might be a challenge.  While I am technically generous and giving, my people skills are really not at an all time high.

I hope you had some peace with your perfect heaven Daddy today, and maybe you gave your soul mate a special moment down here.

Love,

Mommy

Time Out

Hi Roo,

Remember how on earth, I was the only person that was ever even remotely hard on you . . .like telling you to try harder, walk straighter, alternate on steps and a bunch of other worthless advice.  Now I have some hard core feedback for you as my guardian angel, you totally suck at it.   Are you even watching me?  Given the crap that gets threw, what the hell are you preventing from happening to me?   Let’s talk yesterday for instance (and this is coming off of my totally shitty Thursday which is already documented).  It’s my first (and only since school’s out now) free Friday since my therapy graduation.  So, I talk the dog to the vet about the weird thing on his skin.  Guess what, although I’m guessing you knew.  Skin cancer for Zeus.  He needs an operation and has medium chances.  After breaking that nugget to Haley (who actually stopped saying “if Zeus dies, can we get a bunny” in light of his health issues although Daddy still took a swing at me and said that I don’t really like him anyway.  Who says that to somebody??!!), Haley decides she wants to go swimming.  It was really too cold (I have my 85 degrees min) but she bugged me enough to cave.  As I was going out to get the pool ready, there was a dead chipmunk in it (although I did mistakenly call it a squirrel for 4 hours until Haley said it was a chipmunk).  Then I have to fish a dead chipmunk out of the pool, I’m not cut out for this.  How, as my supposed guardian angel, can you possibly justify this fashizzle.

Sure, you can argue that you gave me two beautiful days of weather for PPR, but we both know that you did that for Leah.  And, if I was going to believe in signs, the last two you sent me had nothing to do with me.  But, you do choose to have a white dove fly past Mrs. Van Erp when she was praying for peace.  Are you serious?  Where’s my fucking dove?  And, yeah, I assume you know the “F” word now.  You are not allowed to say it though unless you can use it correctly and meaningfully in a sentence (same rules as on earth).    Basically, I don’t think you are my guardian angel, I must have some loser who never pays attention.  Here’s where you might be able to help . . . if you get assigned any chipmunks (or squirrels), keep them out of my damn pool.  And, go tell my angel to get off his ass (I obviously have a boy) and throw me a bone.

I love you anyway though.

Mommy

Paige’s Mom

Hi Paigie,

I’m sure you are great because you are in heaven.  Mommy, on the other hand, is having a pretty shitty day.  It was either the dentist or Haley’s kindergarten graduation that ruined my day.  Probably the graduation.  I kept thinking that you did not get to graduate from kindergarten but how cute it would have been if you did.  Everyone would be cheering, and I’d get to scoop you up in a big hug.  Instead, Haley just ran over to me to open her rice crispy treat and confirm that lunch with Paw Paw was still a go.  She’s not really the sentimental favorite.

The other night at somewhere completely unexpected, someone approached me and said “Are you Paige’s Mom?”.   I could barely contain my excitement because this is my absolute all-time favorite question.  Because I know the follow up is going to be wonderful.  Unlike if someone came up and said “Are you Haley’s mom?”  That question just strikes fear into my heart as to what is coming next.   My questioner was just someone who knew a friend and came to Paige’s Princess Run.  That’s really a great feeling for me to be recognized as your mom.  Yesterday, someone also mistakenly called me Paige which I also enjoy.  If I could actually change my legal name to “Paige” or “Paige’s Mom” without getting sent back to therapy, I’d be all about it.

We are getting ready for summer which should be fun for about three weeks until Grace and Haley start to turn on each other (and me).  I found your turtle float the other day when I was at least cleaning out the pool house.  Couple that with today’s car breakdown after graduation, and I would probably not have gotten my therapy graduation certificate.  I guess some days just really suck, and there’s no butterfly to fly into my sight.  I’m wondering how long I will have to find one good deed after another to jump into in an attempt to fill the goodness void of you.   I’m guessing it’s going to be a while.

Love,

Mommy

Heaven Anniversary

Hi Paige,

It’s been a year since you last really talked to me with your earth voice.  I don’t remember the last thing that you said to me but I think it was that you felt better.  I hope that had some deeper meaning.  I consider that day pretty much the day you left me, and I guess it just took two days for everyone else to process it.   I sat by your bed many times in your life, and I know that you weren’t there in the end.

I hope instead of people feeling sorry for me on Wednesday that they say, “you are so lucky to be Paige’s mom”.    I love having you in my heart now, and I love it when you find a way to fight your way through the bitterness.  I would never, never trade my life for an easier one.  It is definitely a very sad story that you died so young, but it is a very happy story that you lived such a beautiful life.

You lived such a perfect life, I especially loved when you wore a bathing suit everywhere we went for six months.  I also loved it when you pushed a ribbon up your nose and didn’t tell me for three days.  I like that you would say bad words and on occasion tell me something untrue.  And that you spent the last week of your life pissed that we didn’t have cocoa puffs yet.  I love the things that made you less than perfect because it reminds me that it is possible that you were my daughter.    I’m pretty glad that I would always whisper in your ear little secrets that would make you giggle.

Haley told me that her favorite thing about me is that you grew in my belly.  That’s kind of hard to top.  Happy anniversary in heaven, I hope it feels like yesterday and that it seems like I’ll be there tomorrow.

Love,

Mommy

Graduation Day

Hi Roo,

How is heaven?  Earth is still earthly.  I haven’t gotten any more secret signs from you, but I’m okay with that because I don’t really want to run around looking like a jackass all of the time (kidding).  Anyway, based on my willingness to embrace those signs and possibly having experienced some emotional growth over the past terrible year, I have graduated from therapy.  I was fine with bagging it on the spot (apparently you end therapy much like you end other relationships in life) but she wants me to come back in three weeks after the run.  Maybe there will be a cake and presents.  The funny thing about the therapy is that it was only after I related three stories that I felt like made me seem a little more crazy that I got sprung.  What’s up with that?  Apparently, the goal of therapy is just being able to embrace your crazy and roll with it.

So, it’s also Mother’s Day tomorrow.  Ouch.  Daddy told me that he took the kids to Target yesterday but they weren’t interested in buying me anything because they had already “made” me something.  Nice play Steve.  First of all, assuming Target was the place you should buy my gift.  And secondly, not even pushing for store bought.  Who do these people think I am?  I even told Grace that now that I only have two kids on earth, they really needed to step it up.  I thought she took me seriously.   Amazingly, I do still have your homemade gift to me from last year.  It’s a letter that I framed, and I ready it every day.  Except I can tell that you were prodded to say what we did together that was fun . . .making cookies.   I’m going to assume that saying sitting around talking about people bugging us was inappropriate in the context of you writing that letter to me.  Oh well, I know what you meant.

Anyway, don’t send me a sign for tomorrow.  It’s like making cookies, way too predictable.  And, don’t let me have a nervous breakdown in the next three weeks because I’d really like my Friday mornings to be free again.

I love you,

Mommy

Close Enough

Paigie!!

Mommy is secretly writing to you before your benefit is really over because sometimes, frankly, you are the only one I can really talk to about stuff.  So, how is heaven?  I think that you must be getting the hang of it up there because I have felt like you have sent me two messages lately (and this would equal four since you moved to heaven so it’s not like I’m dreaming secret messages up all of the time).  I will explain one but the other is just between you and me, baby!  I already told your Aunt Lynne this, and she was amused.  I was outside picking up sticks in our God-forsaken way too big yard with way too many trees.  I was pretty much thinking my normal stream of bitchy thoughts about how I’m not really making a difference, and this run isn’t really going to matter, etc.  As I then violently started throwing the sticks into my garbage (a chore that Daddy charmingly named “stick patrol” and likes to say “Hed, can you at least try to do stick patrol today?”) . . . a butterfly fluttered right by my head in the mist of this really ugly, rainy day.  And, before I could even stop myself, I say “OKAY Paige” in sort of a bitchy tone to you.  So, really, I decided if you took the form of an earthly butterfly and flew down from heaven, perhaps I could be a little more positive.  Anyway, easy for you to say, you are 1) in heaven and 2) the most positive and lovely person ever.

In other four-month old news, I’ve been sticking with therapy.  My therapist told me recently that I should write a book in my off-season.  I think that is code for “Woman, you need to stop bringing your bitchy ass here once a week and get another outlet for your bitterness”.  Or maybe she just wants some more free time.  I think I’m almost done with therapy as in sometimes even I want to punch myself as I sit there and listen to me talk.   We’ll see on that book, I guess I’d have to get a lot more interesting or a lot more bored.

So, you might be wondering (doubtful since you are probably all knowing) about Paige’s Princess Run.  You know what really bugs me about it?  You couldn’t run.  Why didn’t I plan an event that you could do?    Plus, I have to put myself out there all of the time.  And, it’s really hard to do you justice.  I also think it gives a false impression of me–that I’m so generous and saintly out here doing God’s work for the hospital.  Let’s be clear that I am really far from saintly and only circumstantially generous.  The only true compliment I think I have received is that I am determined.   And, I think it gives a false perspective on what it’s like to have your child die.  It’s not a bunch of marketing items designed to make you look strong and faithful.  It’s just doing what you have to do because you still have two other kids here on earth.

So, basically, it still really sucks without you.  And, I’m only sticking with it because I have a lot of determination.

I love you,

Mommy